GRAY : Between Black & White
by DHeiress88
Summary: Kanda Yuu, a soon-to-be psychiatrist, knew he met the embodiment of 'suicide' when he was assigned for a case study involving Allen Walker. Though he knew he'd better stay detached as possible, there was something bout the boy that made that impossible.
1. The End

-Gray: Between Black and White-

-By: DeathHeiress88-

Disclaimer: I own neither DGM nor the context about suicidal people used in this chapter. They belong to Katsura Hoshino-sensei and Shneidman respectively.

Warning: Suicides and such, along some mild shounen-ai…?

* * *

People who commit suicide feel helpless and hopeless.

_He looked at the pills in his hands, suddenly they felt a lot heavier that he thought they would be. He looked at the moon, the orb helplessly shone down on him, as if urging him not to continue his plot. Nevertheless, still he did._

_He's a hopeless idiot, after all._

For them, life is permeated by anguish and fear.

_Not only was he angry with his 'family' but he's also frustrated at his own self. Of all the time, of all the chances, he never got the courage to proceed. Even when he was so close to complete oblivion…_

Their aim is to resolve an intolerable dilemma through oblivion.

_He glared at the pills on his palm, wanting them to act on their selves. He wanted them to end everything, to correct every fucking mistake he did. He wanted to correct his twisted life…_

_But…_

_He put the pills back into their bottle._

Their basic conflict then is between existence and obliteration.

_He threw the battle away in anguish. He watched the glass fragments cascading down along the tiny white pills. Somehow, the pills seem to be shimmering, sinfully inviting him to a comfortable sleep._

_He looked away and scrambled for his bed. He enclosed his body with the covers, as if the mere fabrics could protect him from whatever it was lurking inside his own head. But after a moment, he came out of his cocoon, sweating and suffocated._

_His eyes automatically glued themselves to his floor, his carpet soiled by the glass pieces. He stared as the pills somehow managed to reflect the moon's light, wondering how something so beautiful could be so fatal…_

_Suddenly, he found his self on the ground, popping one pill after another in his mouth._

Their thought is colored by dichotomous thinking and distorted concepts of the world.

_When the last pill was eaten, leaving only shattered glass fragments behind, that was the time Allen Walker's heart ceases its beating._

_

* * *

_

"Shounen!"

He ignored the worried yell his 'brother' gave. Instead, he quickly tried to step up onto the railings. But before he could complete his attempt, strong arms encircled him and pulled him down to safety. Then, his 'brother' found the grace to carry the unstable him back to their 'home'.

He gazed longingly at the railings but he snapped his head back when his carrier growled.

"You little brat! Why did you even think of doing that _again—_!_"_

At this, the boy couldn't help but laugh aloud. "Why are you so shaken up, Tyki? Considering our family's history, you yourself should have tried _that _at least once. And considering _my _ history, it's not really worth the shock, right?"

Angry, cold orbs were the only reply he received. Though Tyki did seem hurt by what he said, he didn't care, the man spoiled his fun, after all.

When Tyki still didn't reply, he shrugged, "Are you waiting for an apology?" He asked innocently, using the facial expression the Portuguese couldn't resist. The silver-kicked-puppy-eyes.

The older man tightened his grip at the boy and continued glaring at him. The boy sighed at the railing behind them before turning back to Tyki.

He smirked.

"_Allen…_"

Oops. Allen Walker knew that tone. It had always meant something related with The Earl and losing control over the Ark.

"Okay, okay. I promise I wouldn't do that _again_."

_LIAR._

_

* * *

_

"He always said it was a game."

Cross Marian took in the appearance of the Japanese teen in front of him. Hair undone, body sagging against the chair and almost talking to his self, he assessed the teen as someone on the brink of breaking down. He was no specialist but even a drunkard (though he really hates to use that term on his self) could understand what the Japanese was experiencing.

"He was just a child…yet he had this unusual destructive feeling inside. Like sadomasochism… it's as if he's happy being hurt…but happier to make others worry…"

The teen's voice was calm, but it also held emptiness. As if the true person inside went far away, and the one talking right now was just a recorded voice…

"And do you, as a professional and his friend, think he's happy doing that?"

Cross spoke quietly though it echoed inside the room.

The teen kept staring at his palms, specifically at the ring he was holding, for a long time. When the red hair was almost convinced that he had reach the conversation's end, the teen piped up.

"Do you know if the snow's happy? Dropping off the sky and just melting in the pavement?"

Cross followed the other's gaze, and saw the first drop of snow falling from the December sky. Raising one fine eyebrow, he answered, "If it's not happy then why does it do it?"

Without tearing his gaze away, the teen responded emotionlessly as if reciting something from a memorized poem.

"It's because Nature tells it to."

At that, Cross' eyes narrowed and the former Army General-turned-drunkard understood one thing.

The strong, unwavering and reliable Kanda Yu he knew was no more.

* * *

"Did you know that suicide is murder turned 180 degrees?"

Allen smirked as he heard the irritated voice of his 'counselor' once again. Though he really didn't knew why The Earl 'asked' someone like Kanda Yu to be his shrink when said boy was just nineteen and is just on his way to graduation, he was glad it was not some bearded old man or a four-eyed hag.

Kanda felt something being tugged inside him as Allen smirked. Nope, it's not the strings of adoration, more on the strings of patience and irritation. Though he knew, behaving like this is bad for a therapist, he just can't help but be irritated with the boy.

It's because Moyashi was just like a walking bomb. Without any trigger or any warnings, the boy would just try to kill his self, as if he was merely playing. That he cannot understand, and something he can't understand only leads to frustration and irritation.

He took two deep breaths and got a questioning Moyashi in return.

"Kanda, what are you doing? Are those breathing exercises? Do you have asthma?"

Another deep breath.

He got a poke in his chest this time.

"Nine deep cuts in the wrists that if not for Cat-Face would have drained you all of your blood, jumping off the roof that if not for Beauty-Mark would have broke all your bones including your spinal cord, a decent overdose with aspirins that if not for Turban-Head would have let you sleep your irritating white head off forever. All of those in two days and would have relieved me of my responsibility, namely: You."

Kanda stopped his sudden soliloquy for a deep breath before opening his eyes and staring at his 'patient'.

"Now tell me, of all those attempts, why did not even one succeeded?"

For a long moment, Allen just looked at him, astonished before smiling, falsely may Kanda add, "Wouldn't a normal therapist ask something along the lines 'Why did you do that' or 'Are you hurt'?"

"After a week, just a week, of being with you, do you think someone would even attempt at asking that?"

"Well, you do have a point."

Kanda scoffed and took out a long coat, dangling it in front of Allen's eyes, "And just now, you were attempting to do your self off with this, right?"

He found the teen trying to wrap the cloak around a chandelier (it was connected to his neck already, you see) but due to issues such as diminutive stature, Allen was unable to and was stopped by Kanda. Though he don't want to admit, Kanda did feel a bit of worry and probably fear when he saw the white cloak around the teen's collar.

Teen in question smiled gleefully (yet falsely, again) in answer to his earlier question.

"Yeah, you got that right, BaKanda!"

For once, the Japanese was very delighted he left Mugen in his room. Because if he had it at that moment, he would successfully finish what the younger teen was about to do.

But, very much later, Kanda learned that those times were the happy ones.

* * *

Cookies for those who can guess who was the three people Kanda mentioned in his soliloquy?

Well, I know the story's kind of dark and whatsoever but reading one certain Psychology book inspired me to write it. Though the reason why I'm reading a Psycho book when I should be reading American-Lit escaped me already.

Anyway, want a continuation?

I need a review then!

PLEASE **REVIEW!**


	2. Encounter

-Gray: Between Black and White-

-By: DeathHeiress88-

Disclaimer: I own neither DGM nor the context about suicidal people used. They belong to Katsura Hoshino-sensei and Shneidman respectively. I own nothing in this fic except for the story's plot.

Warning: Suicides and such, along some _mild_ shounen-ai…?

And this chapter is dedicated to you:

RandomBeats

SecretYaoiLoverInc

CheshireAlice

Kuroya-hime

toshiro321

animejessie (who was the lucky winner of the guessing game last chappy, though sorry I don't have a prize except of a cyber hug!)

Thank you for your reviews!

* * *

_His footsteps echoed as he hopped over the rocks, the vibrations causing ripples to appear in the pond. As he reached the border between land and water, childish giggles erupted from his mouth. Slightly skipping away the water, he twirled the thing he 'borrowed' from The Earl. _

_Boy, sure are they going to be pissed. _

_He skidded into a halt and took out the heavy thing inside his pocket. It nestled in his cupped hands quite innocently. Well, as innocent as a revolver could be in a child's hands, that is. He stared at it for some time before grazing his hands over the body and handle. It's not like the gun he'd seen in the movie he just watched but they're similar to each other._

_Well, whatever._

_He cocked the safety pin, just like the way he'd seen in the movies, and aimed it at his head. But before he could pull the trigger, a very warm hand knocked the gun out of his hand. It slide a few feet away before dropping into the nearby fishpond._

_The boy looked up and saw angry, if not fucking furious, gold eyes seething with him. Though knowing it's wicked and twisted, he felt an odd sense of fulfillment at the other's wrath and worry. Nevertheless, the boy couldn't help but wince when a hand gripped his wrist._

_Roughly._

_The Millennium Earl's voice was dead serious, so unlike the honey-dripped accent, he always used and the boy hated._

"_I can't believe I'm saying this to you also but I think you need some serious help."_

_Ten-year-old Allen Walker simply looked at the pond where the gun skidded and wondered._

'Would the koi fishes down there know how to use it?'

* * *

"And what am I supposed to do?"

Komui Lee sighed as he crossed his hands. "Really, Kanda are you even listening?"

Said Kanda Yuu just glared at him and the Professor had no choice but continue his explanation. "Look, Kanda, you didn't pass your project to me, you rarely attend my classes, and there are only two words I always found in your quizzes, which by the way are 'fuck' and 'you'."

The Chinese heaved a deep breath and waited for the reply of the teen.

Dead silence.

He sighed before continuing.

"Seeing this I should have all rights to flunk you this year. But considering that Hevlaska has given your case study of Alma Karma the highest grade I have ever seen in ages, you're graduating this year and Tiedoll would probably cry if you don't; I don't have the heart to do so."

"What the fu—?"

"So," Komui interjected before the Japanese could say anything, "I've decided to give you one last chance."

An eyebrow was raised at that and the Chinese could help but snigger at the indignant look plastered on Kanda's face. But after a moment, Kanda's tensed face relaxed and the boy looked away.

"What…do I need to do?" he grumbled.

Komui smiled at that and pushed a folder at Kanda's face.

"Another case study, but this time it's," the file was read as Komui's words echoed within his office.

"Allen Walker."

* * *

_He tried to suppress his snicker, barely disguising it as a flinch._

_Brown eyes narrowed as the red hair's hands closed over his, avoiding, purposely, severe bleeding wrists. _

"_You." The red hair snarled. The raven-haired once again hid his glee from the other one, though he knew the other noticed the slight twitching of his lips._

"_You need some fucking serious help."_

_At that, Nea Walker burst out laughing._

* * *

"Allen~!"

Said fifteen-year-old teen looked up from his music sheet as the Earl walked in, no, literally waltzed in _his _piano room. At first Allen thought of letting him be, but his skills known as the 'Art of Ignoring' deserted him when a younger man followed the noble inside. The teen raised a pale eyebrow at the man, no, more like a teen, probably not much older than he is. He raked his eyes over him briefly but didn't miss out his Asian features.

Chinese?

Or maybe Japanese?

A growl was emitted and the object of Allen's attention said, "What the hell are you looking at?"

The narrowing of his eyes was the only hint irritation Allen let out.

"Nothing interesting." he said dispassionately.

He turned to the Earl, didn't care about the glare sent to him, and asked in what one could call 'snobbish and bored' manner.

"Sennenko, who's this…_rubbish_?"

* * *

"What do you think?"

"He's perfect."

"Yeah. Thought so too."

"Only problem is: Could we make it in time before he kills his self?"

* * *

Komui tensed when his door banged open… Sweat ran down his back as thoughts ran through his mind. Maybe… maybe Lenalee found out about what he did to that _octopus_ following his precious sister around…

His eyes slowly rose from his work, as he tried to think of a way to explain. The man, expecting to see the furious violet eyes of his sister, was taken aback when an emerald eye stared back at him.

Lavi, the _summa cum laude_ of the graduating batch, looked at him with a knowing air, a smirk adorning the boy's face. After all, he was the one who reported Bak Chan stalking Lenalee…

"Komui, what are you cowering over there for?" the teen with Eidetic Memory asked.

Said man regained his posture and, albeit a bit indignant, replied back, "Lavi, I've told you a thousand times to _knock _on the door! You shocked me, slamming the door open!"

"Geez, you're just worried Lenalee had realized you're the one who was behind the 'Bak-was-tripped-accidently-by-Komurin XIV-in-the-stairs-rendering-the-lower-half-of-his-body-invalid' act."

Komui flinched at that and the teen knew he had hit the proverbial nail. However, before the older of the two could make a decent retort of any sort, Lavi said. "Don't worry, she doesn't know."

The older man heaved a relieved sigh.

"Not yet, that is."

The Chinese had a half-heart to glare at Lavi but instead, he said sweetly. "What do you want, Lavi? I doubt you're here so early in the morning just to pester me. Or do you want me to tell Bookman about you're _gatherings _from the library?"

Said Lavi glanced at him and said coyly, "Weeellll~…I just wanted to know where Yuu-chan ran off. Alma is not quite in his 'sane' state at the moment and all he wanted is _Yuu."_

Komui massaged his temples, his head suddenly aching at the predicament. He sighed and said a half-truth.

"Kanda is working on another case study right now. You know he has problems with…certain things regarding…his _studies_."

Lavi raised an eyebrow at the pathetic lie but accepted it nonetheless. He shrugged and just skipped off happily, "Well then, say to Yuu-chan that Alma-chan is doing quite well!"

The sarcasm in Lavi's voice was evident and Komui could only shake his head. But then, the red hair stopped in his tracks, hands hovering over the doorknob. In a neutral voice, Lavi asked, "Say, Komui, who is Yuu-chan's case study about?"

"Allen Walker."

The teen glanced back with a disbelieving eye but then, smiled mirthlessly, "If that's the case, then forget about Alma, tell Yuu-chan I said good luck!"

'_Damn, he needs a lot of that.'_

After a moment, the teen added aloud, "And patience."

Komui could only raise an eyebrow at Lavi's receding back.

* * *

_From a distance, eyes watched the new man prowling on the lawn. Long hair swaying with the wind, elegant skin illuminated by the moon's glow. The teen's eyes were glued to the graceful movements the unknowing actor made._

_He reached out for the other but glass stood between them, invisible but was strongly there._

_His hands wanted to punch his window, the stubborn glass, which was the source of his problem. But even in the deteriorating state his mind had undergone, he knew that the glass was not to be blame. He could only place the fault on two persons._

_His own twisted self and _that man_._

_He leaned into the windowpane and kissed the man from far away. He rubbed his groin against the hard surface, imagining it rubbing against another, entirely different, surface. His erratic breaths moistening the glass. Once, sanity regained a little control over him, he blushed at what he just done. He quickly looked down to see if the object of both his attractions and frustrations noticed his 'activities'._

_Seeing the man, continuing whatever he was doing, maybe marauding Sheryl's lawn for something, the heat that rushed into his face subsided._

"_You…should probably lock your door next time."_

_He spun around and saw a shock of violet hair peeking from his doorway along with rays of light._

"_Road…"_

_The girl grinned knowingly and whispered, "Lock your door, please. If The Earl was the one who check on you…"_

_She chuckled and the next thing he knew was darkness that was falling upon his room quickly. Distinctively, he heard the lock being bolted in its place. Ironically, his bare white room seemed pitch black in the dead of the night._

_He sighed as he pulled back from both his window and thoughts, making his way towards his white piano. He sat and continued trying to make his poem into a song. A key was pressed and the emotional lines were sung, albeit accompanied with deterring music._

'And so I will continue protecting you

From the darkness within me you do not knew'

_And then, only the moon knew what he did with himself that night._

* * *

Deprivation of love can lead to destruction of oneself and others.

* * *

Hmm…who would've thought it would be like this…?

Not me that's for sure.

I hope you overlook the late update and review~!

Please~! (Puppy-dog eyes [Which somehow doesn't look good on me still…])

_**PLEASE REVIEW!**_


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